A childhood dream, an adult disappontment

I’ve always had a good sense of style. Even though I looked like something that crawled out of a swamp most of my life (which I’ve come to understand most designers do too) I have always loved dressing other people (probably why designers have so little time for themselves).

Ever since I was 9 I would design dresses, pants, gowns. Designing clothes was my happy place.

Having no legacy or influence in the fashion industry, I didn’t dare to dream of it being a profession. After having gone to high school with the “textile and design” majors I also realised how much sweat and tears went in to a single creation. I didn’t dare to believe that I would have what it takes to make it.

During my 20s I experimented a lot with fashion, and both drew and designed a lot of my own clothes. I even started a brand. Not sharing the name because it was super COOL and it’s not trademarked, yet……

I gave modelling a try but was never really comfortable in front of the camera, I really preferred being behind it.

Which meant a LOT of my friends models for me.

My poor friend Linda was a frequent “victim” of my “let me just try this new dress/style on you” attempts. Linda means beautiful in Spanish. There was no doubt that this name was given to the right person. Beautiful inside and out. The most selfless person I know.

I became familiar with the fashion scene in Stockholm and the ins and outs of how managing a start-up fashion brand worked. Mostly thanks to influencers and design students I met online and through after work activities at fashionable night clubs and bars.

You were forgotten long before you were introduced, in a room full of fashion influencers.

I decided to run a slightly boring but well visited blog and shop. And really enjoyed fashion for what it was, for an entire year.

But the more I did, the more I wanted to achieve. And competing in that world was toxic.

It was far more than I had ever expected, and the shelf life of a product was SHORT. Following trends, getting the right fabrics, being one step ahead of the next trend was exhausting.

It is a competative industry (much more so than any other I have been in). Few spots and a saturated market. You have to be willing to be edgy with very sharp elbows and thick skin to make it in that industry.

I saw mental health being trivialised. Addiction. Eating Disorders and a lot of bullying.

I also saw a community in dire need of diversity and the ethical and environmental problems that are associatied with an industry that has a highly problematic view on human rights and labour.

In 2012, I left that all behind, and have never looked back or tried to create something again. I threw in the towel, or in this case the silk dress.

I have since come to understand that within the community of fashion photography, design and modelling there are sub-communities that are functional and supportive. But at first glance, it is a very toxic environment.

But if you’re not in it, how can you change it?

I started an instagram account recently in order to get back to that creativity and passion. None of the issues have changed, but I’ve noticed that consumers have changed, that the models are more representative. On top of that, there is a whole new infrastructure on how to sell things via social media!

And since having kids, my body type has changed and I’ve found it increadibly inspirational to see brands reshape and diversify their content, but I’m not happy yet.

There is still more to do. And perhaps I am the person to do it? (Pic 2020, cut up curtain/dress :).